


A Date With (Bone) Density

by ToiletPaperPrincess



Series: Reader-Insert Shenanigans [1]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Humor, Other, Reader-Insert, Reader-Interactive, Sexual Humor, there's a lot of talk about the nasty but not much actually happens I'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-11
Updated: 2015-11-11
Packaged: 2018-05-01 03:49:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5191088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToiletPaperPrincess/pseuds/ToiletPaperPrincess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because the only reason a powerful skeleton would take his human prisoner on a "date" is to trade sex for freedom...right?</p><p>A silly (and despite the summary, largely SFW) twist on the Papyrus dating sequence with a gender-neutral reader.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Date With (Bone) Density

“THAT’S THE DOOR TO MY ROOM!” your host boomed from behind you. You jumped—you hadn’t realized he was so close. “IF YOU WANT, WE CAN GO IN THERE AND...DO WHATEVER IT IS PEOPLE DO WHEN THEY DATE??”

 _Ah_ , you thought as the blush overtook your face. _So that IS what this is._

You’d been a nervous wreck when you’d left the ruins of the old monster kingdom. First, yeah, monsters were _real_ , you’d been down here too long with too-vivid experiences for you to doubt that fact anymore. Second, everyone you met eventually tried to attack you, and the friendlier they initially seemed the more powerful their attacks wound up being. You were hurt, you were scared, you didn’t feel like you could trust anyone when “friendliness pellets” hurt like hell and the “please, call me ‘mom’ ” Stranger Danger lady literally _set you on fire_. It had felt like the worst nightmare of all time, multiplied by ten, because you couldn’t wake up from it.

And then these two bonehead skeletons had thrown you a curve. They were funny. They were kind. Despite all their (well, Papyrus’s) boasts about defeating you, none of their traps had been at all dangerous. You started having _fun_. You started _liking_ them. Especially Papyrus, whose absolutely ridiculous behavior couldn’t help but make him charismatic. You forgot about running for your life or even finding your way back home, and even thought that, somehow, these people could be your friends. You’d even flirted with Papyrus, for goodness’ sake.

...And that’s when he’d kidnapped you. After beating you up with telekinetically-controlled bones, because _why the hell not_.

You’d escaped a couple times and fought him a couple times, hoping against logic that you could talk him into letting you go. Some of the details were a little fuzzy (well, you _had_ been hit in the head a lot), but finally Papyrus had announced that he was taking you on a date. He’d grabbed you by the arm, led you to his house, locked the door behind him, and, well...it was clear to you what was going on.

You stepped into Papyrus’s bedroom.

 _I mean, I’ve already had to pep-talk a ghost and pull barbed wire off a deer_ , you decided, trying to steady your shaky breaths as you glanced around the room. _It’ll just be par for the course if earning a get-out-of-monster-jail-free card means losing my virginity to a talking skeleton_. Your eyes found it. _...On a racecar bed._

“ARE YOU READY?” chirped Papyrus, rubbing his gloved hands together. “I CAN SHOW YOU AROUND THE ROOM FIRST, IF YOU WANT. IT’S MAGNIFICENT. I FURNISHED IT MYSELF, SO OF COURSE IT IS.”

You tried to say something, but the words wouldn’t come, so you just cleared your throat and nodded. But Papyrus applied your nod to the second part of his statement instead of the first and launched into a monologue about his action figures. That was probably for the best, though. You were going to need some time to gather your courage.

The skeleton was halfway through his theory on pirate flags when you finally did it. You stepped forward, grabbed him by the shoulders, pushed him onto the bed and climbed onto his lap.

You kissed him.

It was very firm and passionate...or it would have been if he’d had the muscles to be responsive. As it was, pressing your mouth against his was about as sexy as pressing your mouth against a brick wall. But you did it again and again, wheezing for breath in between, trying to ignore the pain of his rock-hard thighbones digging into your legs and the weird discomfort of stroking his knobby neck.

“...IS THIS WHAT HUMAN DATES ARE LIKE?”

Startled, you pulled back. Papyrus was looking at you curiously. He seemed a little flustered, but mostly...skeptical?

“I’LL ADMIT I HAVEN’T HAD THE CHANCE TO READ THROUGH THAT DATING HANDBOOK I PICKED UP AT THE LIBRARY,” he went on, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. “BUT I’M FAIRLY SURE KISSING DIDN’T COME IN UNTIL AT LEAST STEP EIGHT. IS IT DIFFERENT IN THE HUMAN WORLD?”

“D-did you want to do it differently?” you fumbled, freezing up. Had you just blown your chance at freedom by being too forward? Did he have a specific routine or kink or something? Or was he just not into kissing?

Papyrus thought it over for a moment before shrugging, looking a little sheepish. “I GUESS YOU’RE ALLOWED TO SKIP AHEAD TO YOUR FAVORITE PARTS.” You couldn’t help but conjure up some filthy mental images at that remark, but your fire was snuffed back out almost immediately. “AFTER ALL, WE DON’T HAVE MUCH TIME TO FINISH OUR DATE BEFORE UNDYNE COMES TO GET YOU.”

“Undyne”—that was the name of that guard leader, right? The person Papyrus was supposed to deliver you to? Your stomach dropped.

“ _What?_ I...I thought we had a _deal!_ ”

“‘DEAL’?”

You were starting to feel sick, your head spinning. You’d liked Papyrus so much, you’d _trusted_ him, and he had the _gall_ to give you that innocent look when he’d promised freedom for sex while planning to just do you and lock you up anyways?

Frustrated, you tried to hit his shoulders, but he caught your wrists in his gloved hands and held you at bay. Then you tried to get up, but now that he had ahold of you Papyrus wasn’t letting go. “HUMAN, CALM DOWN!” he pleaded as you struggled, huge mortifying tears cascading down your face. You’d been so stupid, _so stupid_. Everyone was out to get you, you couldn’t trust _anyone_. “HUMAN! WHAT’S THE MATTER?”

“ _You were gonna let me go_ ,” you choked, voice thick with phlegm. “I thought if I slept with you, you’d _let me go_.”

There was a brief, stunned silence.

“OH! YOU’RE _TIRED!_ ”

Your tears stopped out of pure shock. Papyrus was already wiping your face clean with the edge of his cape. “OF COURSE, _THAT’S_ WHY YOU WANTED TO SEE MY BEDROOM,” he was chuckling, shaking his head as if amused at his mistake. “NYEHEHEH. I TRIED TO MAKE YOUR ACCOMMODATIONS COMFY-COZY, BUT NOTHING REALLY COMPARES TO SNOOZING IN A CAR-SHAPED BED, DOES IT? WELL! I SUPPOSE IT’S ALL RIGHT, AS LONG AS IT’S JUST FOR A FEW HOURS.”

He’d already stood up, cradling you in his arms, and as he turned to lay you down on the bed for a split-second you thought everything was back to plan A. But no, he pulled the sheets over you and tucked you in, humming sweetly all the time.

“GOOD NIGHT, HUMAN—RELATIVELY SPEAKING. I’LL BE DOWNSTAIRS IF YOU NEED ANYTHING.” He was halfway out the door when he turned back to wink at you. “AND _NO ESCAPING!_ ”

 _That’s_ what got you. Remembering your circumstances, you shot out of bed and managed to throw the door back open before Papyrus could finish shutting it.

“No, I—no, I’m not tired!” you gasped. The poor skeleton looked bewildered. “I don’t want to sleep, I just want to—um—that is—I thought—”

Nervously, you took Papyrus by the arm and pulled him back into his room. Okay, so sex-for-freedom had never been on his mind. But he _had_ asked you on a date (whatever the hell he’d been planning to _do_ on said date), so maybe it wasn’t totally out of the question?

“I want to _do_ something for you,” you stammered in what you hoped was a husky, seductive voice, running your fingers along his bicep (well, humerus). He just blinked down at you. “Anything...anything you want, I’ll do it.”

Papyrus nodded slowly. Your cheeks began to burn again. This was it.

“I GET TO CHOOSE THE THING YOU’LL DO FOR ME?”

“Uh-huh. Um, I mean...‘oh, yeeeeeeeees.’”

“ANYTHING I WANT?”

“ _Ohhhh, yesssssssss._ ”

“WOWIE! THAT’S A LOT OF POWER.”

The way your evening was going you were already expecting the answer, but it made you groan anyways.

“CAN YOU JUST SIT TIGHT AND NOT ESCAPE UNTIL UNDYNE COMES, PLEASE? AND TELL HER HOW STRONG AND BRAVE I AM. MAYBE MENTION HOW HANDSOME I AM, TOO. ROYAL GUARDS ARE KNOWN FOR BEING VERY PHOTOGENIC!”

You sighed, and stopped stroking his arm, and nodded. “Okay, yes,” you agreed. It really _was_ no use trying to talk him out of it, was it? Papyrus wanted to trade you for a guardsman’s position more than he wanted anything else in the world. Maybe you could try to make a break for it while you were being handed over, but it didn’t sound likely. The way he talked about her, Undyne had to be much more powerful than Papyrus, and he’d already knocked you silly several times. She’d probably have other warriors with her, too. Maybe you just had to get used to life in monster jail, or whatever these people had planned for you.

A big, gloved hand clumsily met your cheek, tilting your face towards Papyrus’s. “HUMAN? WHY AREN’T YOU EXCITED?” He seemed honestly concerned. What a sweet, ridiculous, charismatic doofus. “THANKS TO YOU, I’LL FINALLY GET EVERYTHING I ALWAYS DESERVED!! AND YOU’LL FINALLY GET TO MEET UNDYNE! AND SEE THE CAPITOL!”

“I don’t wanna see the capitol,” you mumbled into his palm.

“NONSENSE! _I_ LOVE SEEING THE CAPITOL. AND I LOVE SEEING UNDYNE! YOU SHOULD _ABSOLUTELY_ WANT TO SEE THEM BOTH! I...UH...HMMMM...”

You glanced up. Papyrus’s face was contorting about as much as his rigid structure would allow. He seemed to be thinking aloud.

“AND I...I’M GLAD THAT YOU CAME TO BE MY PRISONER, AND...THAT YOU... _I_ ENJOYED THIS STRANGE DATE...EVEN THOUGH I’D PLANNED...I’D THOUGHT...I’D THOUGHT THAT... _OH_.”

He looked right at you, and with a pang you saw that there was real guilt in his eyes. “No, no, it’s okay—” you fumbled, but he spoke over you.

“I’M SO SORRY, HUMAN!” he wailed, wrapping you in a rib-crushing hug. “THIS WHOLE TIME, EVERYTHING YOU’VE DONE—IT’S ALL BEEN FOR _ME!!_ YOU HAVEN’T SPARED A _SINGLE THOUGHT_ FOR YOURSELF!”

You were too asphyxiated to argue. Papyrus was convulsing against you, apparently trying to hold back sobs.

“YOU ARRIVED IN MY TERRITORY...YOU SUBMITTED YOURSELF TO MY PUZZLES...YOU EVEN ALLOWED YOURSELF TO BE CAPTURED FOR THE SAKE OF MY PROMOTION!” he was choking. “I SHOULD’VE SEEN IT BEFORE NOW! HOW ELSE COULD A POWERFUL, DANGEROUS HUMAN HAVE BEEN SO EASILY DEFEATED BY SUCH LOW-LEVEL ATTACKS? IF I HAD BEEN GOING ALL-OUT, OF COURSE, I COULD’VE—BUT NO, THAT’S NOT THE POINT! YOU _LET_ ME TAKE YOU, AND REPEATEDLY ESCAPED TO MAKE MY EVENTUAL TRIUMPH LOOK ALL THE MORE HEROIC! YOU EVEN AGREED TO GO ON A DATE WITH ME DESPITE THE FACT THAT THERE WAS NO RATIONAL REASON FOR YOU TO DO SO!” (Okay, none of it was flattering, but at least he’d gotten _one_ right.) “THE ONLY TIME YOU’VE DONE SOMETHING I HADN’T WANTED OF YOU WAS WHEN...”

As he trailed off, Papyrus slowly loosened his grip, pulling back to hold you at arm’s length. You were gasping desperately for breath, your entire torso aching, so you didn’t notice the expression he wore before he did it.

The skeleton’s closed teeth came crashing hard against your mouth, muffling your shriek of surprise. He pulled back and came in again more gently, so this time you were able to pucker your lips against him. It was clumsy and awkward, but you found a rhythm, and with his arms around your waist and yours around his shoulders you decided that when a brick wall kisses you back, yeah, it can be kinda sexy.

Your embarrassingly pleased little moans were so loud in your ears that it took you a while to hear the noncommittal grunts coming from Papyrus. But after rubbing against his pelvis a few times, and nipping away from his mouth to kiss up his cheeks, it did occur to you that he was pretty still. You tried to ignore it, tried to just relish what you were feeling, but after a smooch on the base of his neck brought only a shudder and a nervous gulp, you finally had to make yourself stop. Thoughts of pushing him back onto the bed or easing off his top evaporated when you saw the sweaty, uncomfortable look on his face.

“O-OH! ARE YOU DONE?” he tried to ask cheerfully, but the tone was too forced.

You nodded, feeling like garbage.

“I’m sorry I made you do that,” you muttered, releasing him and stepping back. You couldn’t bear to make eye contact. “I’ll go back to my cell now. I’ll wait for Undyne. I’m sorry.”

For a minute, the only sound was Papyrus shuffling his feet.

“UM,” he finally said. “DOES THAT MEAN YOU, UH...DID YOU ONLY DO THAT BECAUSE _I_ WANTED YOU TO DO WHAT I THOUGHT _YOU_ WANTED TO DO?”

By the time you muddled through the phrase and figured out what he was asking, Papyrus had dashed out the door and down the stairs. You weren’t sure where he had gone—maybe you should’ve paid closer attention when he gave the tour of the house instead of trying to figure out whether skeletons had any sex parts.

You were...you were kind of in the clear now, though. This was a chance to escape. There was even a window you could climb out of if you didn’t want to risk passing him on your way to the door.

But instead you descended the stairs, and you really _were_ planning to go back into the garage and lock yourself in, but Papyrus accosted you in the living room.

“AH, YOU CAME DOWN TO MEET ME!” he blustered. His arms were full of tupperware containers, which he quickly shoved into your hands. They were all neatly labeled “spaghetti”. “MY FOOD MUSEUM WILL BE SHORT A FEW EXHIBITS, BUT NEVER FEAR, GOVERNMENT FUNDING WILL HAVE IT UP AND RUNNING AGAIN IN NO TIME. AND YOU’LL NEED SUSTENANCE FOR YOUR JOURNEY!”

“My what?” you asked, but he had already run off to a closet, coming back with a far-too-long raincoat. He began forcing it onto your shoulders, though he had some difficulty with the sleeves, since your hands were still full of leftovers.

“WATERFALL IS VERY WET. HENCE THE NAME! SO YOU SHOULD TAKE THIS. YOU’LL BE DRY _AND_ STYLISH!”

“The capitol is inside a waterfall?”

“WHAT? OF COURSE NOT! WATERFALL IS ON THE WAY TO THE CAPITOL.” Though the raincoat was still dangling halfway off your back, Papyrus gave up and instead started propelling you towards the door. “YOU’LL HAVE TO HURRY, THOUGH. UNDYNE’S COMING FROM THAT DIRECTION AND YOU DON’T WANT TO PASS HER.”

You stumbled over the doorframe and almost faceplanted in the snow. “Wait, what?”

“WHAT?”

“I asked first!”

“OKAY. WELL...‘WHAT’ _WHAT?_ ”

Your brain was spinning wildly. “Why don’t I want to pass...oh, no, wait, I’m supposed to _meet_ Undyne, so you don’t want me to miss her. Never mind, I get it.”

“WHAT? NO YOU DON’T! IF YOU MEET UNDYNE, SHE’LL CAPTURE YOU!”

Papyrus placed a firm hand on your shoulder and looked you directly in the eye, as if explaining something to a very small child. “YOU NEED TO GO THAT WAY,” he said, pointing towards the road where you’d repeatedly fought him. “KEEP WALKING IN THAT GENERAL DIRECTION UNTIL YOU REACH THE CAPITOL. AND TRY NOT TO LET UNDYNE CATCH YOU. SHE REALLY WANTS TO GET A HUMAN FOR SOME REASON, SO SHE MIGHT NOT LET YOU PASS THROUGH THE BARRIER. BUT I BET ASGORE WILL! HE’S A REAL SWEETIE.”

You just stared at him, uncomprehending. There were too many questions for you to figure out which one to ask.

Papyrus’s expression faltered a bit. “THAT...THAT _IS_ WHAT YOU _REALLY_ WANT, ISN’T IT?” he tried uncertainly. “TO GO HOME...?”

“Yes,” you finally managed—and, catching the look on his face, “And not because I want to do what _you_ think I want to do.”

You hugged him tight and he stiffened, maybe dreading another shower of kisses, but he gave you a squeeze back just as you were about to let go.

Well, you hadn’t gotten to live out that wet dream, but at least things didn’t feel so much like a nightmare anymore. There was someone down here you could trust, someone who _had_ turned around and attacked you like all the others, but who’d wound up having your best interests at heart.

And, hey...at least you got his phone number.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Pretend there's an epilogue montage where Papyrus keeps mentioning the makeout session in casual conversation while the other characters scream or spit-take.
> 
> Anyhow, this was just a dumb little thing I wrote for myself and thought other people might enjoy, since there's not enough in the Pap/Reader category. It was supposed to be more makeout-y, but Papyrus just kept talking, haha...


End file.
